Think about the last time someone urged you to get your estate plan in order. The conversation probably started with a worst-case scenario: What happens to your family if you die tomorrow? Who takes over if you become disabled?
For as long as I have practiced law, my industry has led with fear, and death, dying and disability have been its default talking points. Those scenarios create urgency, which is why the industry leans on them.
After nearly three decades of advising families, many with $10 million or more in complex, multigenerational assets, I’ve also seen what that approach costs the families it claims to serve.
How fear became the default
Fear is only half the problem, and the other half is sameness. For too long, estate planning has placed clients in a box and encouraged them to design something similar to what their siblings or parents did.
The result is a plan built around what could go wrong, using a template designed for somebody else. It activates on the day you’re gone and says little about your values, your guiding principles or the wisdom you would want the next generation to carry forward.
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What fear-based planning costs your family
When planning is framed entirely around your own death, it becomes easy to put off, and the cost of waiting can be steep. If you become unable to manage your own affairs and the right legal authority isn’t in place, you can be declared incapacitated in a public proceeding.
If no qualified family member is available, the court appoints a member of the bar who visits once a month and knows nothing about you, your family or your customs.
I served for eight years as the court-appointed guardian for my uncle, who had never put the simple documents in place before he began showing signs of dementia. Guardianship of an adult is nothing like raising a child, because you’re managing the financial, medical, relational and social decisions of someone who already had a whole life.
Fear-based planning also tends to produce a plan that gets signed, filed and forgotten. A plan lives and breathes. If you don’t revisit it as your life and your beneficiaries’ lives change, it’s just a piece of paper.
A better starting point
I stopped opening client conversations with ,”When you are no longer here.” Instead, I ask clients to imagine they’re having a procedure and will fully recover in three or four months. Who is managing their finances and healthcare during that window?
That question gets people comfortable starting with the basics, such as a power of attorney , before moving into more comprehensive planning. It also reflects a deliberate shift I made to talk about planning as a way to take control and be empowered. Preparation keeps decisions about your care inside your family.
What families need instead: Planning with intention
The approach I use, which I call Legacy on Purpose®, starts with intentionality about your living legacy and your lasting legacy . It means clarifying your values, guiding principles and wisdom, then transferring them through a plan built specifically for you.
This matters because you’re also transferring fiduciary roles to human beings. If the next generation has not embraced its role as stewards, the plan derails no matter how well it’s drafted.
One family I worked with shows what that looks like. Elders in a coastal Southeast community that had grown into a major tourism destination had built significant land holdings and businesses over decades. Their children and grandchildren were scattered across the country with careers of their own. They were not going to move back simply out of commitment to what the elders had built.
Instead of forcing the issue, we met with several dozen family members and spouses and built a one-week-a-year apprentice program. Anyone considering a role could test it out, meet vendors and customers and let the elders observe them without upending their existing lives.
Several families have since relocated and taken on roles.
Families that hold together make room for how each generation needs to arrive at the decision.
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Steps you can take now
Start with the near-term scenario. Decide who would manage your finances and healthcare if you were sidelined for a few months. Put a power of attorney and healthcare documents in place.
Name your values before your beneficiaries. Ask each family member, separately and without conferring, to name their top three values and guiding principles. I’ve watched a 7-year-old and a 90-year-old in the same room do this, and their answers aligned. That is where honest conversation begins.
Design a plan that fits your family. What worked for your parents or siblings was built around their lives.
Explain your decisions while you can. If one beneficiary receives cash and another receives a business interest, tell them why. Once you’re gone, assumptions fill the silence, and that’s where turmoil comes from.
5. Give the next generation a way in. Create opportunities for heirs to step into stewardship roles before a crisis forces them to learn on the job.
Estate planning will always involve hard subjects. My purpose is to help build stronger, better family teams, and that work begins when a family decides to plan with clarity and a sense of control. Legacy on Purpose® begins the moment you decide to claim it.
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This article contains general information only and The Wealth Counselor, LLC (TWC), its Managing Partner, and any other person or entity affiliated with TWC is not, by means of this article, rendering accounting, business, financial, investment, legal, tax, or other professional advice or services. This article is not a substitute for such professional advice or services, nor should it be used as a basis for any decision or action that may affect you. Before making any decision or taking any action, you should consult a qualified professional advisor. TWC, Lisa G. McCurdy, and affiliated persons or entities, shall not be responsible for any loss sustained by any person who relies on this article.
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